Challenges with Ego

I'd like to think that I'm good with students. The teaching style that I'm comfortable with -- I learned a long time ago. I tend to subscribe to the tough love model. Where I really expect a lot from students, but never more than they're truly capable of. I'm hard on them, but always with a smile. I help them push themselves past their comfort zones so they can feel proud of what they've accomplished. But these statements in themselves -- are pretty egotistical.

Most of the time, the tough love style works, depending on the student's personality. But I'm finding that this teaching style is still fairly naive.

I've never been the kind of student that struggles with presence or commanding a room. I've always thought this was a strength, but I recently realized it's a very severe weakness. Most recently I was asked by my instructor to lead a class in warm up exercises. My Sensei had been gone for awhile and it had been months since I was given the opportunity to lead a group of students. On his night back, and one of the largest attended classes we've had in a long time -- I wanted to make sure I did a good job.

Being in the front of the room -- I started the group in warm up exercises. Immediately I saw that the group was sluggish, everyone was on a different count (not keeping up with my count), and generally not very focused. This is a view I normally don't have when doing the warm up exercises with the group -- but standing in front and leading them -- these issues stood out like a sore thumb.

They made me mad and annoyed.

I didn't stop to consider that the majority of the class was made up of white belts.

Instead -- I started barking out orders, and basically yelling at the group... "stay with my count" , "get into your stances faster", "everyone must do every count, if we don't -- the whole group will need to do it again"  etc. It was bad. At the time -- in that space -- my motivation was to elevate the group and get them more focused because our instructor was back -- my stupid ego told me that it was my job and I'd be able to. As soon as the words left my mouth -- I knew they were wrong. I knew it was bad. I knew that instead of elevating the group -- I just yelled at them. They did better -- but it was out of fear -- I wasn't able to truly lead them.

My instructor came up to me later with a few comments of what not to do again. He was surprisingly kind.

I've not been asked to lead class since then. When I am given the opportunity again, you can bet money I'll do it differently.

I'm pretty coordinated, so physical techniques come easily. That is where my focus has been up until now. I finally realized that my struggle,  my journey, what I'm supposed to be learning is -- finesse .... among people.

I think about ego a lot -- about how it keeps me from learning what I should be learning. But each mistake is a learning opportunity and a chance to better myself. Times like this always make me think back to a conversation that I had with a buddhist monk. I'm not religious -- but the few things he told me rang clear and I re-read them every time I need to remind myself of the problems with ego. Installments of the conversations will happen in subsequent posts.