If you're a girl -- at one time or another, you'll probably get hit on in the dojo and if you're focused on your training, it will probably come as a surprise. I'll share with you some of the types of people you may encounter at one time or another in your training:
** Important note: the following comments are from my personal experiences only. If you ever feel that you are in danger or are asked to do things that make you extremely uncomfortable -- speak to your Sensei immediately. If it's coming from your head instructor -- leave immediately.
1. The Sleazy Senior Student
Ways to spot them: Inevitably there will probably be one sleazy senior student in the dojo. The good news is that they typically end up leaving. This type of person may be an excellent instructor of techniques, but spends extra time focusing their attention on young teenage girls, biding their time until they turn 18. Or making aggressive advances towards girls that are already spoken for (married or otherwise). The single, available girls of age -- bear no interest for them. They are typically in their 40's or older but are trying to appear ever youthful.
How to deal with them: Take note -- they are typically harmless. All of their efforts are to stroke an aging ego. If anyone actually took them up on their offers or advances -- they would be shocked and wouldn't know what to do. For them it's a harmless game and chase. So smile and nod. You're probably not in danger. The less attention you to pay to them -- the better. However, if you feel that it's getting really out of hand and you're ready to leave because of it -- always speak to your Sensei.
2. The Chauvinist
Ways to spot them: This is an interesting character because the chauvinist never thinks that they are a chauvinist -- instead they think they're celebrating women. This type of person can be married or unmarried. When around other men (women may or may not be present also), they will go to great lengths to discuss how much women find them attractive and hit on them. They will also discuss how they control situations with their wives or girlfriends -- so that their women "don't get out of hand." If you go out to eat with the group, you will find this person flirting with the waitresses. If you are female you will also find that this person flirts with you. It doesn't mean they're interested in you -- they actually believe that this is the only way that women can relate to or talk with men.
How to deal with them: They like to have their ego's stroked. Smile, nod, and ignore. If you challenge their assumptions about women you will be seen as "too sensitive."
3. The New Student
Ways to spot them: Well, they're new. And if you're in a teaching position, you may or may not experience new male students becoming enamored with you or having a crush on you. They will stick around after class to ask you questions about why you joined etc, and generally try and engage you in conversation more than anyone else. This typically happens the first class or the first week. This may or may not be a sign that they are developing a crush -- but either way I like to nip it in the bud early so that they don't get the wrong impression and so we don't end up losing a student.
How to deal with them: They are harmless. As soon as they start asking me questions, I always work in that I started with my husband. It only takes one sentence -- and it's best to do it early before they get their hopes up.
Word of Caution for Dating Someone in the Dojo
Different dojo's have different rules when it comes to this. Personally, even though I started the martial arts with my husband, we've been pretty fortunate -- mostly because we had a solid relationship before starting our training together. However -- more often than not, I've seen personal relationships that start in the dojo -- end badly. When this happens and both people still continue to study in the same dojo -- it gets uncomfortable, and I mean really uncomfortable.... for everyone. Even if you try and not make it so. Eventually one person will leave. If you start a relationship with someone in the dojo -- one of you will most likely be the one to leave the dojo -- figure out if you're willing to be the one to sacrifice that.
Take it in as your training, girls. This is real life. The dojo is not perfect and neither are the people in it. Don't run away from an uncomfortable situation -- figure out how to deal with it because I promise you it will not be the first time nor the last. The dojo can be a microcosm of the real world -- your training doesn't begin and end only with the physical techniques.
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I trained in a dojo where the "Sensei" used it as a corral and chose female students for his attentions.
ReplyDeleteIt was disgusting. He figured his belt gave him some kind of sex appeal.
Yes,I left after a few classes.
What should i do with a new student who is hitting on me, but i dont have a husband? im 16, so that exuse wouldnt work. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous,
DeleteAs a young lady, you'll start to experience this more and more as you get older. It's good to start building your tricks for how to discourage an unwanted admirer now. They say, the dojo is a small microcosm of what you'll experience in real life.
As mentioned, most new students are harmless. It's best to nip it in the bud early. If he's older than you (over 18), you can always mention your age in conversation -- most guys are terrible at guessing a girls age and he may just think you're older than you are. If this doesn't work or if he's around your age, you can always mention something about a guy you're dating (he can be fictional) or have a friend casually ask about your "boyfriend" within ear shot. If he's really persistent, than you can always drop how much you like that you guys are "friend." The "friends" word is always a killer for guys.
However, listen to your gut. If you feel you are in danger speak to your Sensei.