Working With / Teaching Men: Part 2 of 2

Teenage Boys
One of the bigger challenges I've had in teaching men is working with teenage boys. They have new bodies that they don't know quite how to work yet, tons of hormones that make them freak out, and sometimes a very healthy dose of lethargy and laziness. Plus, by the time they come to us -- there isn't much respect there for female authority figures.

In our dojo, most of the teenage boys that show up -- are not there out of their own free will -- meaning their parents make them show up. Most of the time that means a combination of several things:
-- No father in the home or comes from a broken home
-- The kid needs discipline and/or focus and is probably not doing well in school
-- The kid is getting picked on
-- The kid spends too much time on the computer/watching TV and is not active
-- The kid hasn't been well socialized -- i.e. social skills are lacking
-- They have other issues: ADD, ADHD, developmental disorders, etc.

The teenagers that don't show up with one or two of the above items -- are typically fine to work with. Good kids. But the other one's, the one's that need our help the most -- are also the biggest challenges. It's even tougher if you're a woman trying to help them.

As I mentioned, in most of my experience -- the most challenging teenage boys come in not respecting female authority figures. It's nothing personal. In fact, it might be pretty primal. They know they need to listen to a big guy -- a small girl, umm there is some question there. These are also the same kids that are acting up/rough housing outside of the dojo -- with their mothers standing by just watching, not saying a word. Then they bring their kids inside to us. They're used to several "norms" of behavior when they come to us. It sometimes takes awhile to change their thinking.

It's tough, but we're not allowed to give up on students -- no matter how much they don't want to be taught.

What's Worked for Me...so far (I'm still learning on the way)
** NOTE: You may not like the words I'm about to write -- and I don't propose this method. It's just something I've developed over the years in trying to get through to the most challenged youths. Each person will develop their own teachning style over time.

With teenage boys that are the most challenging, I've found the following things work:

1. Have a clear conversation.  I like to have an open convesation with them as I look them directly in the eye. This way there is no pretense. Honesty makes things more simple and clear. Some how when you discuss negative behaviour out in the open, it changes. Kids are pretty smart. They'll keep trying the same old stuff that has worked at home or at school -- until someone calls them on it. I'll say things like:
-- "Do you know what sandbagging is? It's when someone is pretending not to do as well as they could be doing. I think you're sandbagging. You and I both know you're not trying 100%. I know you're capable of more than that."
**But it always has to come from a place of wanting to help them. And you have to believe it to say it -- otherwise they'll see right through you.
2. For every "come down hard"-- you need some "atta boys" thrown in for good measure. How many "atta boys" you need will depend on the person. Sometimes someone needs 10 "atta boys" (compliments) for every time you come down hard on them, others it's a 1:1 ratio. Either way, it has to be a combo of coming down hard balanced with compliments of things they're doing well.
3. Tire them out. Gotta tire them out physcally or else they simply can't listen -- plus they have so much built up energy -- it's gotta go somewhere. I do this through challenges like 1,000 punches, or holding difficult stances for an extended period of time. I even tell them that I don't care if their legs shake or hurt or if they fall down -- they need to hold it anyway. Amazingly -- most of the time they like the challenge. They get a challenge -- and I get them worn out so then can listen. Win win.

In general -- it's balanced tough love -- but it sets the stage for clear expectations and doesn't allow them to play the same games that they play every where else... school, home, etc. In fact, most of the troubled kids are just calling out for attention -- any kind good or bad. I like to cut through the crap and end the game.